medical history

I’ve been taking Effexor to treat my anxiety and depression for somewhere around seven years (prior to that, Paxil, which I stopped taking because it steamrolled my sex drive. Effexor was no better). It took me over two months of gently reducing my dosage by 37.5 mg every few weeks from 225 mg. Each time I went down a dosage, I’d experience the familiar brain zaps and lightheadedness from days I’d accidentally forget to take my meds (if you know this feeling, you know it’s certain hell). It was never unbearable though, and after a day or two the withdrawals would find comfort in the level of Effexor still found in my body and make a home there until the next time I reduced. 

In hopes of keeping me mentally stable during this taper, my psychiatrist prescribed me Abilify. I’d never taken an antipsychotic before, and had previously been horrified when a former psychiatrist suggested I take it. Best known for its treatment of schizophrenia, Abilify is known to have some scary side effects (essentially symptoms of a stroke), as well as long-term effects on the body. But I gave in, assuming this would just be a stepping stone to get me off of the Effexor and through the withdrawal period. 

I silently cheered for myself when I took my last Effexor pill. Not because I’d finally kicked the drug and would now be SSRI/SNRI free, but because Effexor is a beast of an antidepressant, and the process had been so long and arduous. I knew I’d be replacing it with something as soon as it was clear from my system, but the idea of having this drug out of my system made me proud. Two days later the withdrawals hit with no remorse. It was as if someone were furiously stirring the contents of my brain with a whisk at full-speed, without stop. The brain zaps were constant and the vertigo completely immobilizing. Light hurt, but closing my eyes brought no comfort. I still managed to spend the three days in and out of sleep, trying to ignore the fact that behind closed eyes felt like someone firing through an old slide show - the clicking and flashing so real I thought it would physically move my head on the pillow. 

As the Effexor withdrawal became gentler, my body entered a new stage of confusion and distress. The Abilify felt more pronounced in my body, and the testosterone I had just started applying topically to my arms and abdomen five days before was possibly beginning to take minor effect (though this seemed unlikely in such a short amount of time). My anxiety returned with a roar, leading me to kick my Instant Pot across my kitchen floor and stifle repeated moments of inner panic. The tremoring began around the same time. Full body shivering, as if I were out in the cold without a jacket. Was this withdrawal-related? Abilify-related? Could the testosterone already be flowing through my veins, rendering me angry and man-like? The not-knowing and feeling out of control has left me feeling fragile and constantly on edge. 

I realized I haven’t known who I am in over a decade - maybe more. The Paxil and Effexor kept me so numb, I felt as if I  experienced everything in my life at an unfittingly low volume. Now I’m frayed and flailing; unsure of whether it’s an antipsychotic chemically altering my brain or just me. My greatest fear is that it’s me.